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In all transparency..

This Mama struggles.. do you? Please tell me I'm not alone here.

Sometimes I wonder if it's postpartum depression, sometimes I wonder if I have a problem with anxiety, maybe it's from having my thyroid removed. But maybe it's just all of the pressure I put on myself.. 3 businesses, 5 littles, a husband, a house, a dog, the car, my health, dinner, PTA, friends, self care.. it all just gets to be so much some days.

I know you feel me right? I feel like this is something that 99.9% of us go through.

May is mental health awareness month and I will admit I don't know a ton about it.. both mental health and mental health awareness month, but I know people who struggle every single day, and I wish I could help, I wish I could wrap my arms around them and pull all of the pieces together and show them just how much they are loved and needed.

I try my best to constantly radiate positivity on social media.. and frankly in my real life too. Yes I said real life. Is social media really our real authentic selves? Probably not huh? I try to put me out there, not a photo-shopped pretend me, but if you follow me on my personal pages you'll learn a lot about me, my ups mostly, but some of my downs too.

I am always there for my friends that are struggling and need a hand. And sometimes I may need one too, but ever since I was little I always hold my struggles inside, I deal with it and I always come out of it. Just sometimes that time comes at the expense of something else. Right now this anxiety is coming at the expense of my businesses. I feel like I spend half of my months in fight or flight mode, running around getting half of my to do list done and not doing very good at that half that is done. I'll get an order packed up and then have to drop it because Marlee is crying and then by the time I have a free hand to come back to it something else comes up then something else.. and on and on and on. Just to type to this point of this post I have had to stop at least 5 times, I've had Marlee in her carrier on my back and typed on the kitchen counter, I've been on the floor playing with her, I've tossed some bamboo dryer balls in the wash, and now I've got her in her high chair feeding her Cheerios and ravioli in between each sentence. And let's be honest, there's no way I'll finish this without having to get up another 5 times for something else. So stretched thin.

I just turned 38 last weekend, and I am finally learning about self care. It took THIS LONG to learn that I need to listen to my body.. my body and my mind. I need to rest when my muscles are tired, and when my mind is pushed to it's breaking point. I need to eat the ice cream when my soul says "get the Phish Food Melinda". I need to craft when my hands are restless and need to create. I need to snuggle Marlee and lay in our 'nest' when I need to recharge and love on her.

Sometimes self care is going to the gym sometimes it's not going to the gym. Sometimes it's getting a pedicure, and sometimes it's not giving a flip what my toes look like. Sometimes it's walking up to my husband and flopping my head down on him and he just knows I need a few minutes for him to pull my pieces back together. Sometimes it's calling my best friend, and sometimes it's some quiet alone time. Sometimes it's taking a drive with the windows down and Hozier blasting, and sometimes it's just sitting on my front porch with my flowers. Making a long to do list that I'm determined to get done, and sometimes it's closing my spiral notebook and saying nah I'm good today. Sometimes it's sweeping the kitchen floor, or just letting the dog eat the Cheerios off the floor. Sometimes it's writing every morning in my Start Today Journal and sometimes it's just starting my mornings off the way they want to flow.

What I'm saying is we put so much pressure on ourselves, every single day, it's so freaking hard yall. And I'm learning that I have triggers and I'm learning to pay attention to them, validate them, work through them and come up with actions to still make sure that I get done what this busy Mama needs to get done.

Right now I am about 20 orders behind for Buddha Bunz, I haven't been posting much about ItWorks and I have 3 Bibles and 1 journal that I need to paint. And when I look at that I instantly feel my heart beating, I feel my hands tingle with sweat, and my eyes get a little blurry. So what did I do instead this morning? Wrote this blog post! HA! Oyyy Melinda get it together. But I wrote this for me, I wrote this for my self care this morning, and I wrote it for someone else out there who needs to hear these words and know that it's OK, I feel you, I'm with you. I wrote it to be transparent and real and tell yall.. I get it.. I'm struggling with these days too. I'll come out of it, I always do. This trigger this time was my husband being in the hospital. You guys, I thought I was going to loose him, or he was going to loose his leg, I thought he'd never be able to work again, I was just flat out frozen with fear. Looking back it probably wasn't as bad as some of the thoughts that were running through both of our minds, but dang I was scared. It was a different alone than when he goes out of town, it was a lay in his spot in the bed and cry kind of scared. Just before that Marlee had the tummy bug, and then while he was in the hospital I was sicker than I've been in years (ever maybe) with some kind of stomach flu/regular flu.. I'm not sure but I was down. And since she's had a fever again, and is teething miserably. Mama's tapping out. Where's the white flag!

But I'm coming out of it, I'm getting over it, and things are going back to normal, he is home and back to work and healing and all is well.. except for my huge to do list. So what I've come up with to help me with this mountain and this fear that I just can't get it all done is to tackle one small thing at a time. Stop looking at it as 20 orders, look at it as 3-5 a day. It's not 4 things I need to paint, it's 1 every few days. It's not the entire to do list, it's one thing at a time. With a little self care sprinkled in there. I owe it to my customers to get back on this, I can't even get to all of the e-mail's and messages right now because I have a baby in my arms 90% of the time. But answering one e-mail at a time, I can get through this. And I will. And so will you. Our to do lists will slowly get done. We will slip back into those moments, but we will get through this. And I hope by sharing my struggles you will see that this is normal. This too shall pass.


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