I so badly wanted to start 2021 off with a serious intention of letting go of all of the anxiety.. letting go of covid fears, letting go of feeling less than, letting go of feeling like I am not giving enough to all of the people that need me.
That lasted less than a day. Friday evening (January 1st) I found out that my pastor of the first church I ever joined died from covid earlier that afternoon. Annnnnd cue all the emotions. Brother Roger Cothren welcomed Chris and I into his church with open arms, he sat on the floor with Chris, my daughter Kya and (while I was dressed as a bag of jelly beans on Halloween no less). He officiated our wedding ceremony up on the mountain in Monteagle Tennessee and the next day baptized us in the river.
His church, Kelly’s Creek Baptist Church was one of the biggest reasons we were sad to leave all of our new found friends and family in Tennessee when we made the decision to move back to Texas. They were family. They loved us so much. They were so good to us.
The emotions overwhelmed me, the fear of covid, the sadness that he suffered with this sickness for so long, the gratefulness of the impact that he had on my family’s life. All of it and everything in between. I let myself feel the feelings on Friday night and most of Saturday.
My parents and I are super connected, even though they are divorced I have a very close connection with both of them, in an energetic way among all of the other ways. I swear sometimes they just know.. and Saturday morning my Dad just knew. As hard as it was for me to hear he told me that I’ve got to let some stuff go, I’ve got to learn to de stress, I’ve got to rest my mind and my body. He hung out with the boys all day up at his store (RCHQ at Rolling Oaks Mall) and brought them home later.
My daughter Kya just knew, she could hear it in my voice and see it in my face while we video chatted.. I was hurting. She said Mom.. go check your e-mail. She had sent me a Starbucks gift card. It’s our thing. As silly as it can be, sometimes just sneaking away for that special treat fills your tank just enough to get by. As I picked up curbside groceries that night I picked up an iced caramel brûlée latte and was so thankful that even as a brand new mother herself.. that she thought of her Mama. Her e-gift card she picked said ‘You’re my hero’ and she wrote.. In 2021 I wanna be just like you. My superhero. Little does she know how much she has pushed me to be better her whole life.
I came home, tried my best to rest with a toddler always eager for Mommy’s attention. Then the boys came home in amazing moods and loved on me a bit. I cooked dinner, FaceTimed again with Kya, put the baby down for bed and got excited to finally sit down and eat some of the mac and cheese I had cooked 45 minutes prior. And it was gone. All of it. Booo! Yup, I was sad again. So I just went to my office, figured I wasn’t really hungry anyway (thank you iced caramel brûlée haha) and about 20 minutes later my husband calls me out to the kitchen.. he had cooked me my own box of mac and cheese and had my plate ready for me.
Yall.. I cried.
In little ways each of them poured something back into me, and sometimes that’s all us Mama’s need. We just need to know that someone see’s us. That our parents see that we are trying so hard to be good parents ourselves. That our children see that we are humans and struggle sometimes. And that our spouses see that sometimes it does suck not to get any mac and cheese.
So here’s to 2021, she won’t be perfect, but she will be filled with grace if I have anything to do with it!
Rest In Peace Brother Roger.. you will never ever be forgotten. Thank you for the lessons, for the love and for your open arms. You meant more than you know.